LASTS (change, the illusion of permanence)
"One of the greatest of our betrayals of our illusion of permanence, one of the sharpest daggers of loss, is the retroactive recognition of lasts- the last time you sat across from a person you now know you will never see again, the last touch of a hand, the last carefree laugh in intimacy--lasts the finality of which we can never comprehend in the moment, lasts we experience with sundering shock in hindsight." p 184
You can never tell when it will be a last time.
Taking a walk in San Diego April 2022 along seaport village that will be destroyed and replaced by monstrosity buildings and perhaps some kind of public tourist trap with a fake Beach.
My last time ice skating before I had my hip surgery never have been back.
My last time talking to my brother when he was enraged for me going to my property over my road that happened to cross over his property and at the funeral of my mother I think was the real last time when we each gave a speech.
Now that I find out someone's put a billboard for him in All his glory and no one knows the dark side except for a very few people somehow it's like a cancer how he gets credit but has wasted people along the way big time.
Finding out today that Kayoko is going back to Japan. My glass blowing teacher Andy still rejected going to dinner but she does that with everyone she doesn't even know there's last times.
My last time with a good relationship with Elliot a transgender male who suddenly cut me off because he was too self-absorbed I mean he's been on five jobs and he keeps saying they're all toxic five jobs in 2 years are you kidding and he was arrested on domestic violence.
As far as Rachelle walking out of Christmas dinner where she invited herself and I told her I was suffering from the death of my brother and my cat and I just put down with no call backs just happy New Year what kind of f****** greeting is that!?!
Sometimes I feel I should have died along with the gay people who have died with AIDS and stuff at least their life is over and they don't have to endure old age .
And one of the biggest mysteries of all Parker just walks out on me? He was the one that reached out to me and then his dad got in the way or was it a setup plot to take me out cuz I'm gay?
Sometimes I feel I live in a simulation and the game players are really getting a thrill out of messing with me.LOL