December 11th 2021
After a week of mourning my baby kitty Flerken(really he is over 11 years old but he's my baby, I only got the privilege of being with him for 2 years)
Guilt(that I euthanized him too soon) is intense I will and cry melting down not every day now But once too often.
I found a way to deal with it write a letter to my Flerken why I did it.
Dear Flerken,
You have no idea how much guilt I feel and and I suffer now so that you would not suffer anymore your mouth hurting so much to eat. Even a little bit of food and hesitating even to eat your little pasty treats!
Running away from me when I tried to give you oral pain killers and that screach you made when I held your throat to try and study my aim.
The residual guilt comes from remembering after you spent all your last night with me tunneled under the covers(Knowing that you are skinny and trying to preserve body heat, And after you'd stayed in the living room couch and I came to pick you up and you gave me your last kiss) And I had made my decision at that point early in the morning. I didn't even want to see you come out of the covers so I could carry out my difficult mission . When you did come out around 10:00 you wiggled the base of your tail as though you just wanted to play (When I realize wiggling the base of the tail could be anxiety)
And then you headed to take your last pee, But then after that I offered you twice you are favorite salmon cat food and you wouldn't even touch it In fact you jumped away like you were being shocked which I interpreted like pain. You even went to hide in the place (The far corner under the bed)you did the first time you came to my house because you were so afraid.I still feel guilty I didn't offer you paste to see if you had some interest in that but I certainly did not even try more or pain killers.
If you can only imagine how hard it was for me to go ahead and arrange for never seeing you alive again and living with just your ashes.
Having you die in my arms and your eyes closing in peace was a mixed blessing because I felt the life drain out of your body.
I feel guilt about not just leaving you there at the veterinarian's office and not seeing this but that would not take any amount of courage and I did not want you to be alone Please understand that please please if there is something still remaining of your consciousness and your uniqueness please I love you So so much!!!
I have to live with the phrase mentioned either in my grief group or somewhere on the internet It's better a week too early than a day too late.
But somehow those words are failing to placate me
It's a week in a day later and I'm crying.
Please love me forever Flerken and don't be mad at me, I beg of you!
John
Your kitty daddy ( and if there is an afterlife over the rainbow bridge say hi to Mr Blue Eyes!)
I will see you soon enough. I hope you are the first couple of truly loved people I see and please don't fight I love you both!
In both cases of two cats I regret not taking photos in the first case actually not doing it and the second case Google losing the photos upon attempting to transfer to another file!Is the purpose of this to embed that memory even deeper in my mind some mystery about this!?